It has been now about three weeks that I started experimenting with kefir and fermented foods. I’ve been drinking kefir almost every day. Fermenting it every two days in a two-liter jar. I can easily drink one liter a day. I also made yougurt, using store-bought yougurt as a starter. Kefir and yougurt both from goat milk, as I mentioned previously – I don’t tolerate cow milk. What does it mean not tolerate? Well it gives me bad thoughts. Thoughts about people dying, about the meaninglessness of life. I don’t want those thoughts. Yes, correlation doesn’t mean causation, but I have this observed this increase in the intensity of negative thoughts after consuming milk so many times that it’s definitely worth it avoiding it. Also there are studies suggesting that there is a link between casein and immune response. Immune response could mean brain inflammation, it could mean psychosis. That is what I observe.
“Multiple studies have documented immune activation in individuals with schizophrenia. One antigen capable of inducing a prolonged immune response is bovine casein derived from ingested milk products. Increased levels of casein antibodies have been found in individuals with schizophrenia after diagnosis.”
So I have been consuming homemade kefir and yougurt. Currently brewing kombucha in a jar on my kitchen counter. I have also made a jar of probiotic apples and fermented a mango with yeast. I purchased an active dried yeast supplement, saccharomyces boulardii. I am trying to include all sorts of probiotics, yeasts too, not only bacteria. Bacteria and yeast are both single-celled organisms, both have cytoplasm and a membrane surrounded by a cell wall – that is what Google says. Yeast cells have a nucleus, while bacterial cells do not. Certain types of bacteria and yeast can survive in the human gut. There has been some research, and saccharomyces boulardii is supposedly one of those yeasts. It has been found to benefit patients with gastrointestinal diseases, it might improve the gut microflora. I took it in capsules that it is provided in, as well as opened one capsule into my mango jar and let it stand for two days. The taste has come out quite strong, but I don’t think it has gone bad, I did not get any stomach ache after consuming the fermented mango. Was not great for my taste buds, I might try adding some honey next time for fermentation, but my combination of consuming yeasts and bacteria from kefir, yougurt, kombucha, and fermented foods, I think had a positive effect on my mind.
One change that occurred was after two weeks of daily kefir consumption. I suddenly had a desire to play my violin, which I haven’t touched in six years. Ever since moving to Waterloo for grad school in 2012 and later on becoming depressed, I have abandoned my violin practice. After I was already out of school and had free time after work, I just had no desire to play. All music was emotionally painful for me. Also I felt that it was pointless – I started learning at 19 years of age, that it top late, I thought, I would never learn to play well. Therefore the violin had been abandoned and was lying silently in its case at my parents’ house.
Last week though, when the desire to play occurred, I did not have any of these doubting thoughts such as what is the point of playing, would I be able to learn. I just wanted to play again and that is what I did. And that is beautiful, this experience of undoubting desire, this is something that depression completely takes away from you. Depression is not wanting things that are part of this world, not enjoying them, having no desire. Only the wish for your experience in this world yo end. So was that occurrence a coincidence? I don’t think so. I don’t think desire suddenly appears after six years of absence without any chemical changes. I think the bacteria and the yeast in kefir had something to do with it.
“It’s been known for some time that one’s gastrointestinal tract functions in essence as one’s “second brain”, lined with hundreds of millions of neurons. In fact, the gut manufactures more dopamine and serotonin, important neurotransmitters that powerfully influence mood and motivation, than does the “head” brain.”
On Sunday there was a second event. I have to mentioned that ever since I got severely depressed, I gradually lost desire for anything. Playing violin was one of activities that I stopped. I stopped reading for please. Stopped writing in my livejournal. Everything seemed pointless, all activities fruitless. We are all going to die anyways and become nothing. I think last time I had my own idea was in summer of 2015 – I was very frustrated with Toronto’s public transit system and I decided to make an electric longboard. I succeed and it actually still works. After that I don’t remember pursuing any interests, my days were overwhelmed with feelings of intense fear, loneliness, sadness. Probably my brain inflammation intensified at that time, that is when I first got involuntarily hospitalized in a psychiatric unit. So having something to be exited about, a longing for an activity – I find that a dramatic improvement. No desire for me means no interest in life, desire is willingness to live.
The event then was that I suddenly found someone attractive. That hasn’t happened to me in years. Depression is loss of all pleasures. A loss of pleasure in reading, in traveling, in sex – in whatever you used to do. Attraction is the opposite, attraction is desire. So yes, for me it was a big deal. It felt like waking up from darkness.